What makes a woman date other women? This is the age old question so many people have asked me over the twenty plus years as a lesbian. I wish I had a clear definitive answer to that, but its so much more than the human language can hold. Its bigger than gender. Its bigger than sexuality. Intimacy. Simply put it has everything to do with intimacy. Which most people avoid like the plague.
Over the years I have dated, been in long term relationships with, slept with, flirted with and befriended a few women. Universe had a lot to teach me after having an absent mother in my formative years. I needed a place to write it all down. Its important. It shaped me into the person I am today. Intimacy. Ahhhh....I use to hate the word and now I can't live in a world without it. I use to drink and get high to avoid it, but that's a whole different story. Twenty years of stark raving sober relationships will change you if you like it or not.
Myth #1: Some man did me wrong.....NOT! Not even my daddy. Some men are beautiful! I have never been able to have intimacy with a single one.
Lesson #1 Choose Carefully
At 24 years old swinging the door to the closet open had everything to do with sex. I looked for, chased after and cried for it. I had no idea what I was doing! I guarded every emotional fiber with an abrasive overcoat. I have sworn off in the course of this journey, lesbians, straight women, bi women, sex and relationships altogether, all in the name of protecting myself. I chose women over myself. I chose women over spirituality. At times, I even used them as my church. "If I could only find a sane one". We all suffer from some type insanity. Anything worth having has to be grounded in spirit. I have to be grounded in spirit, to be worth having. They have to be grounded in spirit. I learned that I can wish them to be spiritual, I can wish them to be grounded, but if they aren't, there is not a fucking thing I can do about it. I learned I can't fuck them into spirituality. I learned I am not a magician (LOL). I learned how to see other people and honor them where they are. I learned that not every relationship is sexual or has to be. I learned in order to know where someone is, intimacy has to happen. I have learned, that most people are just as scared of it as I was. I learned that sex rarely creates the kind of intimacy I crave. I learned that most straight women and some bi women have lived in the shadows of their boyfriends and husbands for years. I learned that some can not change that for themselves. I learned that sometimes its easier for them to live alone in a relationship with a man or a woman than it is to communicate. I learned that I won't stop breathing if I walk away and that sometimes its the most loving thing I can do for them. Lastly, I learned that some women are just curious, period.
Myth #2: Sex with men is disgusting....NOT! Again, the most loving thing I can do is not have sex with men! I can't give them what they are looking for. Men deserve to be happy too!
Lesson #2: Let Someone In
Possibly the hardest lesson to date and will thankfully be apart of "continuing" education. Growing up without a mom or a dad for the most important part of my life was emotionally crippling. Who knew that letting someone in meant intimacy. That elusive thing I was never taught or given, however I am also grateful I didn't have to unlearn someone elses idea of intimacy. The intimacy I have today is exactly the intimacy I was meant to have. I was one big jagged edge in my twenties and thirties. Thank God for the women who taught me how to laugh at myself. Who loved me when I couldn't love myself. Who taught me that intimacy and sex were different. Straight women. Straight women who didn't want to sleep with me. Straight women who saw through all of my pushing and pulling. My first sober experience letting someone in was painful because I hadn't learn lesson #1. Thank God for all my lesbian friends who would sing to me through the door day after day until I opened it. I learned that my body is an extension of my soul and not everyone needs to touch my body or my soul. I learned that I am smart, funny, loving, lovable, beautiful on the inside, kind, considerate, sensitive, giving and loyal. I learned from straight women that intimacy doesn't equal sex. I learned that I could let someone in without taking hostages. I learned that spirituality is sexy, but doesn't equal sex. I learned that the most intimate part of me is were spirit lives. I learned how to share that part with everyone. I learned that not everyone knows what to do with that part of who I am or that part of who they are. I learned that it is ok to let people sing to you.
Myth #3: Someone has to be the man....Really? Intimacy transcends gender. Reason #452 why I am a lesbian, dominate role defining men or women turn me off.
Lesson #3 Don't Steal the Pooty From a Single Mom
Being a predatory person with a single mom is a dirt bag move! I have learned more about motherhood from single moms than I have from married moms. I believe they are the sole reason I understand my own single mother. They taught me that my mom was brave until she couldn't be brave any more at 26 years old with a 6 year old. They helped me to forgive and love her. I needed something when I was young and just out. I looked for it everywhere. I desperately wanted to know what having a real family looked like. I healed the parts of my childhood that therapy couldn't heal in relationships with single moms. Loving their children the way I wanted to be loved healed me. Telling their children the things I wanted to hear healed me. Crying with their children in the most confusing times of their lives healed me. Their children taught me what real commitment was about. Thank you for lending me your children. Thank you for trusting me enough to love them almost as much as you did. I learned that I will never fully understand the depth at which single moms love their children. I am starting to get it more everyday through my own relationship, no matter how late to the game we are, with my own mother. Thank you for creating that space for me. You see, your children were the single most important safe place where there was no need for the wall. I learned that the wall was not necessary with your children. I learned that the wall was not necessary at all. I learned that all single moms have their own battles to fight while they make a safe space for their children without having to deal with my wall or yours. If you can't deal with their children, get the fuck out! I have done exactly that once or twice. I also learned when to recognize my achievements and accept my gifts. I learned that some sacrifice is good. Learned how to love selflessly from single moms. I learned that not everyone sings to you. Sometimes you sing to others.
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